Angry

Dear me,

How could you do this to me? I leave you along for a few years, try to trust you and let you deal with the goings on of my body, and I come back to this. Where did these rolls come from? How did you let it get this far that I can't walk up a flight of steps without holding my side and panting? How could you not see what you were doing to me?

I'm so mad and frustrated and angry at you. I just can't see how you had so little respect for yourself that you disrespected yourself. I just can't see how that cupcake was worth more to you than a year of your life. I can't understand why you refused to go outside to enjoy this beautiful world that's here for your pleasure, for your joy. What happened to you?

Is a piece of pie really that good? Well, fine. Eat it, but then go DO something. Don't sit on your butt watching shows of other people doing things. Don't complain that you never get out, never try something new. Eat what you want, but then go and use that excess sugar and energy and move your bloomin' arse. Is that cookie, that sugary headache waiting to happen, really better than those fresh-picked grapes? Whatever. Do what you want but don't hurt me because you can't keep your mouth in check.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to yell so much, but I love you so much. I want to hug you. I want to wrap my arms around you. I want to be with you when you go on a hike and watch the freshly-turned leaves falls around your feet. Hear them crunch in the crisp air as you watch birds in flight dive and swoop and sing along with their wings. I know how much you love it. I want to be there when you do those things. I want to see the mixed look of panic and pure excitement when you kayak for the first time. When you realize that you're along in that plastic shell. Pure millimeters separating you from the water. I want to see the smile and relief and exhaustion on your face when you cross the finish line you've been dreaming of. You've done it once, now you know you can do it again. You know that determination and drive is in you.

I want that smile back. The smile that can light up a room, put a friend at ease and make your boyfriend grin cheek-to-cheek. I want everything in the world for you. The light, the laughter and the lessons. I wish so much for you. I wish for you to see your potential. Part of that potential is being healthy, being true to yourself with food, with friends and with God. My heart is ready to burst out of my chest with the pride I feel at how far you've come, at how much you have accomplished, and what's still in store for you.

I want you back. I want you around for years to come. I want you to be so happy you feel like you're going to explode. Please try. Try for me. Try for us.

Jessica.