Friday, October 29, 2010

Just 10

I received a blue bracelet in the mail the other day. It says 'Just 10.' I'm wearing the conspicuous bright blue band today because I need some reminders. I need to remember that I don't have to eat every treat people bring into work. I need to remember that just ten minutes of working out every day can have a huge impact on my life. I need to remember that cutting one hundred calories a day can help me lose weight. My head has been in and out of whack lately and I need something, something that I can see all of the time to help me out right now.

The bracelet is intended to be part of Dr. Oz's Just 10 challenge. According to the challenge, "losing just 10 pounds can lower your blood pressure, reduce your risk for a stroke, ward off dementia, lower your risk for uterine and breast cancer, and lower your cholesterol up to 10%." Those are some nice statistics. Unfortunately for my brain, they're true. I want to think I can eat what I want and stop exercising and I'll keep losing weight. I want to believe that my weight is fine now, I've lost a decent amount, and I can stop all my hard work.

In short, I want to give up.

But that's the lazy me talking. In reality? I want to run 13.1 miles and smile when I finish. I want to race up the stairs at work and then be out of breath when I walk into the newsroom. I want to have clothes that smell like sweat and sneakers that are worn smooth. I want my nephew to yell "Wait up Aunt Jessie!" as we race down the block. I want to swing my niece in the air and be able to do it more than once. I want to race my other niece with her on her bike and be a close second. I want to live a long, healthy life.

I can do this by thinking just 10. I have lost momentum. I have to find another goal to hit. So my goal: To ready myself for the half marathon I dream of running by running a race every month, starting in January. I say January because it's the month of newness, it's a month when everyone wants to start at something and do something amazing and it gives me a couple months to train. I'm starting now, at the end of the month 10 in 2010. My goal? To run 10 races. January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October. I'm going to train now, so it will be a year of training, but two months to prepare. That's ample when I already run some now. My first races may be on my treadmill in my basement. I don't know if I'll be acclimated enough to the crazy winter weather to run outside, but I will be running a 5K, and I will post my timed results. By March I hope to run official 5Ks outside.

Yell out an Iowa 5K you think I should run! One for every month. May is spoken for, but everything else is up for grabs!

Being fat in public

Ignored. Invisible. Long sideways glances.

People think of you as jolly. Always happy. You have to be happy, what else do you have to offer?

I hate it. I hate the looks. I hate being ignored. I hate the perception that people who are larger have to be happy, compliant. The moment they rock the boat they are looked at with even more annoyance and impatience than 'normal' people.

I am a fun, bubbly person who is also, ironically, pretty shy around strangers. My exuberance comes out more because I want people to like and accept me. Just because I have an extra roll around my middle doesn't mean I will roll over and take a kick in the gut. No. Thanks.

I just think it's interesting how things change. Now, over 30 lbs. lighter, I get looks I wouldn't have gotten a year ago. I'm far from my goal weight, but already things have changed. I'm acknowledged. People will make eye contact with me on the street. I even got some catcalls. I feel proud of how far I've come and how much happier I am. The SO will definitely agree. I still weigh more than when we met, but I'm so much more confident. Maybe six years together does that to a person. Anyway. I was reading this article.

The writer says:"(I'm happy to give you some nutrition and fitness suggestions if you need them — but long story short, eat more fresh and unprocessed foods, read labels and avoid foods with any kind of processed sweetener in them whether it's cane sugar or high fructose corn syrup, increase the amount of fiber you're getting, get some kind of exercise for 30 minutes at least five times a week, and do everything you can to stand up more — even while using your computer — and walk more. I admit that there's plenty that makes slimming down tough, but YOU CAN DO IT! Trust me. It will take some time, but you'll also feel so good, physically and emotionally. A nutritionist or personal trainer will help — and if you can't afford one, visit your local YMCA for some advice.)"

I want to say Bite. Me. I know in the end, it's as simple as calories in, calories out, and moving more on top of it. But it's not that simple. If it really was that simple in my head I would be a normal weight. I would have no problem getting my butt off the couch and out the door or down the steps to get a run in. Part of it is choosing to be healthy, but I'm pretty sure no one wakes up and says, 'Oh boy. For a change, I would like to be obese. Really obese. I think that would be swell.'

In my case, I wish I had more willpower. More willpower to say no to the Rice Krispie treat I just ate. Yes, I'll count it in my calories, but why did I feel the need to eat it at all? What's the point? I eat tons of fruits and veggies. I eat better portions that I used to. My life has changed, but it's still so hard sometimes. Right now it's hard. But just because I'm "overweight" doesn't mean that I should be ignored. I am a person and I deserve recognition. I'm fun, entertaining, sad sometimes. But I do have feelings. Don't ignore me or toss me aside or tell me it's my fault I'm fat. I know I'm fat. I'm trying to do something about it. My weight can change. Hopefully your idiocy can, too.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Keeping the health

Flu Shot Update: Today, I am fine. My left arm is slightly sore, but I think my anxiety over needles gave me more issue than the actual flu shot! The SO, on the other hand, not so much. He's sick today. Hopefully it's not the shot, but I also don't want him to be sick for long. I definitely hope that after a day of rest he'll be feeling better.

Yesterday in my post I made a comment, "what we do for what we think is health." Let me explain. I think a majority of people are concerned with their health. They may not think in terms of exercise or fitness, but they want to be well. Often, we go crazy. We think that a diet, being a perfect weight, be able to bench 225 lbs. etc. is what will make us 'well' and by association, happy. If only we can lose those last ten pounds. If only we can be smaller or bigger than so-and-so. Those size six jeans will make us happy. A 32-inch waist will make me sexy. If I can just lose _____ or if I can just be a size ____ all will be right with the world.

It won't.

Health is defined as: Physical and mental well-being; freedom from disease, etc.

Being a certain size or reaching a specific number does not mean you are healthy. No fad diet or quick-fix deal can guarantee health. Often when you cut one kind of food out of your diet completely you start missing out on key nutrients. Our bodies have to have carbs to function. We need protein to keep our muscles strong. We must consume vitamins and minerals to carry out the needs of our bodies. We also need balance.

When our lives are overtaken by one thing be it children, work, exercise or family, other areas suffer. If we give up our social lives for working out and so we can eat the exact same thing at the exact same time of day we are losing. If we give up exercise to spend more time with family or work, we are losing. It's hard to find the balance. I'm more likely to go all out on one thing, then burn out, and then go all out on something else, but balance is key. The more balanced my life is the healthier I feel.

When I'm eating things that benefit my body and doing activities that do the same, I feel well. I'm more likely to start balancing friends and work then, too. It's trepidatious to say the best. For me, when one thing starts to slide out of control, I start to drop the ball on other things, too.

Reaching a certain size or weight might make us feel victorious, and it's good to have goals to reach for, but when we base our happiness on something we may not be able to control (with my curves, I may never be size 6 due to hips alone!) we may be devastated. A size or weight will not determine happiness. Ultimately we determine our happiness. Will being lighter or stronger help you reach goals and make day-to-day life easier? Yes, especially if you have more than five or ten pounds to lose. Will it make you happy? Will it make life all better? Probably not.

Life is what you make of it. I want to yell that from roofs and mountains and maybe even the top of my truck. People get so caught up in quick fixes or any fixes. This one thing they do will fix their life forever. I'm sorry. It won't. Life is hard, doubly so for some . Problems come and go and it's how we choose to deal with it that starts defining our lives. If I didn't admit that I eat more when I'm bored then that habit will never stop. I eat when I'm upset. I love to have a chocolate chip cookie when I'm feeling happy. However I eat, I need to recognize why I'm doing it. I eat from emotional ups and downs. Until I get to the bottom of my emotions I will not be free from emotional binging. If I run from other things in my life, losing weight won't make my life better. It will just make me thinner with the same problems.

It's hard to face issues in your life. I understand that. But a strict diet and regular exercise could be the thing that you move onto to run away from issues. Facing them is hard, but that balance, that spiritual, emotional and physical balance is so key in life. It's hard, but definitely worth working on.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Flu Shots

It's that time of year again. I love fall. The crispness in the air (not to mention Honeycrisp apples, oh me oh my) and the warm days and chilly nights, T-shirts by day, favorite sleeping sweatshirt by night. It's by far my favorite time of year. All the color and promise in the leaves. I love it. They just explode in color as if to say, 'Here we are, look at us, appreciate us!' And I do.

What I don't love? What follows Fall. Winter is fine, don't get me wrong, but I'm already pretty much a hermit and then you go and throw snow and ice in the mix? -32 degrees? I live in Iowa, I think last year it got down to -34 at one point here. Ouch. The ice, the snow, even they're beautiful and I can appreciate the fact that I'm experiencing four seasons, but oy. The colds. The flu. I do not want to get down with the sickness. And so, controversial as it may be, I'm getting a flu shot today.

I hate shots. They make me nervous and sweaty and my brain starts to think the needle is poking my skin when it's still, at this point, literally miles away. Last year I got one. I think it was my first one ever in my adult life, and no sickness. That also could be because I was exercising at least three times a week and eating food that was utterly beneficial for my health - hello whole grains!. But I'm sticking (ha!) with it again this year. I know many people don't agree with flu shots. Many people live by them. I'll let you know how it goes. But if you hear a squeal, or even a silent sigh of scaredy-catness around noon, please think of me! What can I say, I'm kind of a wuss sometimes.

What we do for what we think is health. Will the flu shot ward of sickness? Maybe. Will it make me feel better? In the longterm, yes. It will give me peace of mind and hopefully help keep me healthy.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Sick and tired

No, really, I was sick and tired. Now I'm just tired. Oh was I sick this weekend. Starting Friday. The last time I was that sick was before we left for Virginia to see the SO's family, that was more than two years ago! I guess I was due, but it just makes me wonder what caused it.

I happen to think that what started it was the fact that I haven't been exercising and my immune system was getting crappy. Couple that with the fact that we had United Way fundraisers all week at work (lots of food, lots of bad for you why did I eat that food) and I think my body was due. It just decided to shut down.

On both fronts (exercise and healthy eating) I'd like to report that I'm doing better. I AM reporting that I'm doing better! I worked out Thursday, Saturday and Sunday of this week. I'll be working out again tonight. I've been eating more in moderation, and found out that if you're doing fast food, Wendy's has some amazing salads. So good you don't even need the dressing. Which, hello, is another 110 calories you're not putting on your 'healthy' salad.

I think an entire day of soup and crackers definitely helped my body jump start its way back on track. I've been craving some cinnamon rolls, but everything in moderation, right? So I felt weak, of course I did, but I made myself go downstairs and walk on that treadmill. Then, I couldn't help it, I felt the need to run. So I did.

Three days of working out. Four days on plan for eating. I think I can feel my body gaining energy for today's workout. And energy for today's nap. I'm still tired, after all. I'm recuperating, which is wonderful for me, and it means I just need to take it easy for a few more days on the exercise front. What it doesn't mean is that I can't work out. I'm not congested, I'm not nauseous any more. But I am excited. I feel like I'm back! All it took was an entire 24 hours of not really doing anything, and I feel so much better.

What I'm most excited about is that when I was sick I didn't give myself leave to just give it all up. I stuck to eating, I walked, I did what I could do. For me that just proves to myself that I'm in this to win it. Goodbye poundage!

Friday, October 22, 2010

Sweat = happiness

I was in a foul mood the other night. Just ask the SO. Nothing was wrong other than the fact that I was tired. Overwhelmed by so much to do at work. Planning, committees and meetings, and getting everyone what they needed when they needed it, and that was the extra stuff, I had all my regular work on top of that!

So I'm at home. I'm making a supper I don't want to eat and I'm not hungry. Mood getting fouler. Then the SO says he's not hungry. Well, I'm not hungry either, so why am I making this? Why are we even planning on eating. I snap a little. Not horrible, not nice either. Then go and get my PJ's on. I sat down for a  minute and thought about my evening. I could go to bed. But it's just after 6 p.m. I could watch TV. I like TV. I could watch TV while I work out on my wonderful treadmill.

And I did. I got up and switched my PJ's for work-out clothes. Pulled on socks and strapped myself into my running shoes. That was it. No whining. No trying to talk myself out of it. I just did it. One hour later I stopped. I felt amazing. I had walked for twenty minutes and then ran a good, steady pace (which, btw, for me is super slow) for thirty-five minutes. Without stopping. And I loved it.

I was just going to run during the commercials and then walk during the show on TV. But when I started, I could feel my mood lifting. My head and body felt ten pounds lighter. And three minutes turned into thirty-five. It's what has been missing. I miss feeling that good. I miss feeling like my body is this machine that I haven't reached the limits of. I can do so much more than I give myself credit for. I just forget.

When I came back upstairs the SO asked if I felt better and I couldn't put enough exuberance into it. It was a resounding "Yes!" He didn't ram down my throat the fact that I hadn't been particularly nice just one hour before. He just was happy I felt better (and that I wouldn't be jumping down his throat in the near future). He even made us supper then, not the eggplant parmesan I had planned, we'll have that another night, but such a good meal. One we both wanted. One we both were hungry for. 

It's amazing what exercise does for me. I know this and yet I push it to the side. I claim I'm too tired or too busy or too this or that. In reality, exercise really does help keep me sane, literally. With darkness coming faster and staying longer, I know I need to keep my wits about me to not sink into the mild depression I know so well. I know I struggle, I know exercise helps. I just need to do it. It's not just for my physical healthy, but my mental health as well.

Thursday, October 21, 2010


Dear me,

How could you do this to me? I leave you along for a few years, try to trust you and let you deal with the goings on of my body, and I come back to this. Where did these rolls come from? How did you let it get this far that I can't walk up a flight of steps without holding my side and panting? How could you not see what you were doing to me?

I'm so mad and frustrated and angry at you. I just can't see how you had so little respect for yourself that you disrespected yourself. I just can't see how that cupcake was worth more to you than a year of your life. I can't understand why you refused to go outside to enjoy this beautiful world that's here for your pleasure, for your joy. What happened to you?

Is a piece of pie really that good? Well, fine. Eat it, but then go DO something. Don't sit on your butt watching shows of other people doing things. Don't complain that you never get out, never try something new. Eat what you want, but then go and use that excess sugar and energy and move your bloomin' arse. Is that cookie, that sugary headache waiting to happen, really better than those fresh-picked grapes? Whatever. Do what you want but don't hurt me because you can't keep your mouth in check.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to yell so much, but I love you so much. I want to hug you. I want to wrap my arms around you. I want to be with you when you go on a hike and watch the freshly-turned leaves falls around your feet. Hear them crunch in the crisp air as you watch birds in flight dive and swoop and sing along with their wings. I know how much you love it. I want to be there when you do those things. I want to see the mixed look of panic and pure excitement when you kayak for the first time. When you realize that you're along in that plastic shell. Pure millimeters separating you from the water. I want to see the smile and relief and exhaustion on your face when you cross the finish line you've been dreaming of. You've done it once, now you know you can do it again. You know that determination and drive is in you.

I want that smile back. The smile that can light up a room, put a friend at ease and make your boyfriend grin cheek-to-cheek. I want everything in the world for you. The light, the laughter and the lessons. I wish so much for you. I wish for you to see your potential. Part of that potential is being healthy, being true to yourself with food, with friends and with God. My heart is ready to burst out of my chest with the pride I feel at how far you've come, at how much you have accomplished, and what's still in store for you.

I want you back. I want you around for years to come. I want you to be so happy you feel like you're going to explode. Please try. Try for me. Try for us.


Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I will

I will smile when I see myself in the mirror.

I will MEAN IT when I smile at myself in the mirror.

I will love the days I have been given to fight this battle against obesity.

I will continue to count calories.

I will one day let myself eat as I should, no calorie counting, lots of veggies.

I will continue to love almost every vegetable I've come across. Beets, I don't know if we're there yet.

I will run.

I will sweat.

I will laugh and cry and shake my fist with anger at "those days" that made me sad.

I will eat my fruits and vegetables, just like my mama told me to.

I will get guns. GUNS MAN! (biceps, for all those who fear my shooting ability).

I will take one step forward.

I will look behind me to appreciate where I've come.

I will continue. Walking, running, crawling if need be.

I will go on.

I will.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

30 pairs. No. Joke.

I had a mini meltdown this weekend. I went out, supposedly for a very short shopping trip. I was picking up spices and little kitchen things we were out of, was going to check out a couple of shoe stores and swing by a crafts store to get me some candy melts (cake truffles for the bake sale, Helloooo!)

And then I ran into these.

I have issues with jeans. The issues are that I can't find any (since the Silvers I bought in high school that yay! now fit again) that I love. I have jeans. They're fine. They sag or bunch or are just a bit too short. But they're fine. Whatever.

So I saw jeans. And I wanted to find THE jeans that fit. THE jeans that I loved. The jeans that I would wear until they fell into bits around my ankles. I don't envy my company on that day! Or me. I hope I have on good underwear. Anyway. I proceeded to try on jeans upon jeans upon jeans.

Too short. Too tight. Top too long. Bottom too short. Too loose. Do not fit butt. The list goes on. I estimate my jeans marathon to have topped out at 30 or 40 pairs. And I was not pleased with any. ANY! I know I have a thicker waist and longer legs, but still. I want jeans where the crotch doesn't hang down to my knees and the waistband ends up above my hip line, while not looking like I'm 80. I want them to stay, and as they stretch out through the day from me sitting on my rear I do NOT want to look like I have the flat butt that I do. I promise, if I find these miracle jeans, I will buy you year after year after year. You will complete my wardrobe. And I will love you and call you jeans.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Get your body on the floor

Oy. Is it bad when you start a post with oy? Well, that's how I feel about my exercise life. It's been seriously lacking. Yes I'm eating right. Yes I'm active, in my own way. But wowza I need a kick in the butt.

I now have a beautiful wonderful treadmill that is mine to use whenever I desire. Be that 7 a.m. 7 p.m. or any other hours of the day. What is my excuse?

I'm lazy.

What other excuse is there? What motivation do I need to get down there? I've thought about posting pictures of dream pants, sweat, a 1/2 marathon medal, etc. around the house. I think I may have to and then the SO may have to live with the images as well. What else do I need?! I even have a TV hooked up, courtesy of the SO, to watch my favorite afternoon shows to my hearts content.

I like working out. I like the sweat and the glow afterward. I like the feeling of exhilaration, even when I didn't run ten miles ('cuz I never have :D) so what's up? I'm trying to sort through this issue; trying to nip it in the bud. I think part of it is because I've reached so many goals. No longer obese. Check. No longer tired all the time. Check. Eating better. Check. Fit in small pants and shirts. Check.

I used to work out at LEAST three times a week, for about an hour each time. I used to hem and haw for five minutes and then bam. There I went.

Any suggestions on how to kick-start my brain into exercise mode again?

Friday, October 15, 2010


With every day comes a struggle for me.

Keep going? Or give up?

My mind says keep going, my body says keep going, but sometimes it just doesn't synch up. Today is fine, great in fact, but when I look back at the last month I wonder what I was doing? I'm not dwelling on the past, but I think I need to take a look down that road to prepare myself for what's ahead.

My eating habits are getting back on track. Right now I feel like I'm overdoing it on the fruits and veggies. I normally eat a piece of whole wheat bread with one tablespoon of peanut butter for breakfast along with a banana. Sometime in the midst of my morning I have grapes (at least lately, or an apple or such). Then I've been snacking on carrots, califlower, broccoli, radishes and celery with some hummus. Lunch is leftovers, with a salad. For my afternoon snack more mixed veggies, but sometimes it's a smoothie: 1 cup frozen strawberries, 1/2 banana, 1/2 blueberries, 1/2 cup to 1 cup water. Supper, whatever we're eating plus at least two veggies. I'm veggin' it up.

The more I do it, the more my body likes it. I feel like I have my body back now. It's not horrible and drudging through my daily activities, though I am sick. Ugh. I've been yucky sick for over a week now! Not sick enough to stay home, but too sick to feel well. Sucks, right?

So tonight? The agenda tonight is sleep. I've been up too late watching too many crappy (and wonderful) shows!

Next week? Halting the procrastination that is cramping my workout style.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Cookie monster

To eat the cookies or not to eat the cookies, that is the question.

Well, the answer is I ate them. I ate them and I liked it, hah! So, tmi, I'm pmsing. Bad. Worse than I have in many months. I attribute the lessening of the PMS to the fact that I've lost weight and I've been eating better. My cravings aren't as bad, my mood swings are slightly more stable (sorry SO!) and honestly, that bloating thing? (all the ladies out there know what I'm talkin' 'bout) has been much better. But I ate the cookies.

I had cookie dough I pulled out of the freezer fully intending to bake and bring to work a few days ago. In my state of doing nothing because of the sickness it's sat in the fridge for a couple days now. Instead, I made two giant cookies - really the equivalent of four - and at them with relish and glee, savoring each bite. For those of you who are trying not to eat cookies, I am very sorry. But I had to do it. There was nothing else I wanted. I had eaten fruits and vegetables all day (and forgot lunch, wups, my bad) and so I ate cookies at four in the afternoon. Then I went to bed. Sleep? No. A fifteen minute nap was all I was allowed until 10 p.m. when exhaustion overtook my brain, but I tried.

Mr. Sandman, why do you leave me so forlorn?

So, while I know that two large cookies are not the best for me, I'm not considering it a failure. I felt much better after the cookies. I didn't turn to them out of comfort or boredom, I went to them because it's what I wanted. Maybe with all my fruits and veggies I haven't been getting enough good fats, maybe it was the sodium, maybe my body just likes chocolate and now considers it one of it's necessary food groups, who knows. The point is, I didn't binge 3,000 calories of cookies. I didn't binge more calories that what I would have had for supper. Was it fully satisfying for my body? Probably not. Do I regret it? No. Will I let it happen again, maybe, maybe in three or four more months. Definitely not tomorrow, but as something that happens every now and then instead of every day, I'm considering being a cookie monster for one night a win.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Why I write

I write to ease my soul, to calm my mind and to reach out into an empty space so vast my problems and issues and joy and love can't possibly fill it all. I write to find myself again. When I feel I know who I am, when I am at ease with myself, my world seems more at ease with me in it.

Problems do not disappear. I could lose 50 more lbs (though that would be too much!) and the problems that existed when I was 205 lbs. would still exist. By losing weight I am not running away, I am not giving up on my demons, I am facing them head on. I know life continues whether I'm fat or not. How I choose to live that life, fat, fit or in between is what's important.

I write to remind myself of the times I stumble down this journey of mine. I write to remember the triumphs and the upsets. I write to let people, and myself, know that we are not alone. This is a journey only you can do, this is a journey people can walk with you, but they cannot walk for you. But with a community around us we can get back up if we falter and fall. We can reach out to hear a friendly voice when nothing else seems friendly and we can vent to people who will not tell us to just get over it. I will not get over it. I will get through it. One step at a time.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Growing pains

There is a voice in my head that is three years old. She whines and cries when she doesn't get her way. She laughs and cuddles when every thing is right with her world. Let me tell you, 'right' is a very relative concept.

Sometimes she gets on my very last nerve.

She wants chocolate and cake and candy bars. No. No carrots. No broccoli. Maybe some grapes. Grapes are sweet. Yum. Ooooo, apples? Apples for pie? Apples for cake? And I try to be nice. I try to say, 'no no now Jessie' (don't any of you ever call me that. I'll cry). 'That will make your tummy hurt.' Or 'Sweetie if you eat that you'll be hungry again in ten minutes!' And more along those lines.

Sometimes it just gets outrageous. Three-year-old mental me lays down on the ground, tears streaming down her face, and pounds on that floor for all she's worth. She cries. Screams. Then she's screaming so long she can't remember what she's screaming about, but she knows she needs to keep on screaming. 'CAKE!' She howls. 'I want chocolate,' she cries.

Sometimes I break. Sometimes I walk to the kitchen and try to find something that will satisfy her. Before, that used to mean baking and eating an entire pan of monster cookies. My excuse? I'll bring them to work. Sometimes I walk away and let her cry. Let it all come out. Then, when she's calm and rational we'll go to the kitchen if we're still hungry and have a banana.

This is what is hard for me. I like immediate satisfaction. If I want something, I don't like to wait and save and be patient. In that respect I'm very much like a three-year-old. I want it now.

There are days when this constant battle wears on me. I hope for the day when sugar-filled treats don't call to me and I turn to them with reckless abandon. (You didn't know this was a romance novel, did you?) I want to be that so-called normal. But then it hits me. Normal does not mean eating an entire pan of cookies. Normal does not mean living my life satisfying my every craving and desire. Normal means growing up and living a productive life.

It's hard. Growing up sucks - at times. It hurts and things are accomplished through trial and error more than we care to admit, but in the end, every time I walk away from toddler mental me I feel better.  A small victory. Every time I cave, I still try to make it count. One piece of chocolate. One cookie. One mini candy bar. They aren't the best options, but they get me through the day with minimal damage, and they allow my mind to focus on my next run instead of my next fix of sugar.

How does the song go? "Growing up is hard to do." But so worth it.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Getting lax

I have become complacent in my old age. Okay, so my old age is 27 and I'm not so much complacent as lazy, but what has been wrong with me lately? I have weight to lose, miles to go, half marathons to train for! I've been dead on my feet and I can't place it.

Yes, I've lost a decent amount of weight, around 35 lbs., but still I am not done.I am technically OVERWEIGHT. I am no longer obese, which I am thankful for all of the time, but I cannot be done yet. I've been eating okay, watching portions and all that, but other than the watching portions part I've given myself license to each what I want when I want it.

My body knows it's messed up. It's not been responding the way it should be and before, when I ate everything I saw and my body didn't know any better and I didn't know any better it wasn't so much an issue. Now my body is off and I want out. I want out of this slow downward spiral. I haven't gained, but then again, I haven't been weighing myself so who knows if I gained and then slowly lost it again!

So, it's fruit and veggie galore for the next few days. Last night I made myself some homemade hummus (with pinto beans, sorry, it's not "real," I know) and cut and sliced and diced and bagged and I now have at LEAST five whole days where every snack I need and every addition to a meal that must be included and now, I don't have to worry about it, I just have to eat it. I need to get my system back in gear.

Oh a more positive note, I walked/ran on the treadmill for fifty minutes the other night! Woot!

Friday, October 8, 2010

I will not

I will not let my weight determine who I am.

I will not let my only focus in life be on my waistline.

I will not stop living my life to get to the perfect size.

I will not stop eating chocolate unless I become deathly allergic to it.

I will not crawl into bed to fight another 'I feel fat' day.

I will not let the weight machine beat me. It's not so tough and scary as it seems.

I will not let society dictate to me that healthy is really stick-thin skinny.

I will not stop running.

I will not stop making choices for me.

I will not stop fighting against my binges.

I will not stop.

I will not.

Success means having the courage, the determination and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be.

~ George Sheehan

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Three Weeks??!!!

Three weeks, it's been THREE weeks since I've posted. I have posts saved, thoughts written down, what happened? Well, I happened. I've been cycling on this leg of my journey, that's for sure.

I have ideas, I have thoughts, but sometimes I clunk in front of the TV before I sit down to try to type out what is irksome and bothering me in the eating or exercise department. The thing is ... I do better when I write. I think it has to do with holding myself accountable. Yes I've been eating OK (except for that chicken sandwich at Hardee's - no mayo, no cheese, extra tomatoes please) but I can do better. I can be better and why I won't let myself just keeps nipping at my heels.

I think it's partially because I'm pretty happy right now. Yes I still have twenty more pounds to lose. Yes I still want to be able to run further and faster and better, but right now, I'm enjoying the fact that my stomach is a wee bit flatter and my legs a tad shapelier. The only thin that might help me a little more is a little less in the upper chest area. We'll see. I'll tell you more later.

So: I have a treadmill now. What?!? Yes. Super cheap and I've had it for five days and I'm organizing the basement around it. 'Cuz I want no excuse from this butt of mine when I need to go walk/run on it and "It's raining" or "too dark" or "too cold out" Treadmill = dreadmill, I know, but hopefully I'll be able to either get off my butt and get outside (here's to cold-weather running!) or work it out on the 'mill.

So the other day I got some kick-butt lifting and cleaning and vacuuming exercise, about six hours worth. Our basement needs it people. Don't judge. And now, now I can run. FREE!