Monday, June 21, 2010

What are you fighting for?

What makes this journey worth it. What makes learning to be healthy, learning to be fit and sticking to it worth it? Is it the reward you have for yourself at the end of the day? Is it the person you spend your life with and you just want as much time as possible with them? What about the future generation. Do you do this to spend more time with grandkids? Kids? Do you have bad knees? Diabetes? Depression? What are you battling, other than fat, that makes this journey worth it to you?

I'm on this journey for all those reasons. I don't have kids, yet. But if or when I do I want to be the best mom I can be. I want to be around to see those smiles, to tuck them in, to hug them tight. I want to be healthy so I have the best chance to keep on living with those sweet little things. If I ever have kids and their anything like my nieces and my nephew I won't want to miss one day away from them due to poor health. The same goes for their kids. If I am blessed with children I want to be around to see THEIR children. To spoil them rotten, to hold them tight and to watch them run their parents world. I want time.

I want to diminish my risks. There are diabetes, depression, high blood pressure and even cancer in my family. I want to do what I can to make my life the best possible. I want less medications and more sweat and I want to not worry about what sickness or disease might strike me next. I know when I exercise I feel better mentally. When I eat healthy foods I feel better physically. I want health.

I love the SO and I want to DO things with him. I want to hike down the Grand Canyon. I want to try out kayaking. I want to go camping and swimming and fishing and walking and not worry that I can't . I want to be able to LIVE with him, not just watch my life pass by. I want to have him cheer as I round first in softball, and have him stand at the end of the finish line at my next race, smiling, so proud of me. And I want to toil through mowing the lawn, trimming the trees and creating our garden so we can sit back, view our handiwork and enjoy an tall glass of iced tea. I want life.

My time is now. I'm training to run my next race today. I'm working out to be healthy in mind and body. I am able, I am willing and my excuses just get in the way. I'm tired, but I know I'll have more energy if I work out. I'm out of time, but making supper is going to treat me a whole lot better than pushing buttons to order a pizza. The time is now. Not tomorrow, not next week. We don't need a momentous occasion with trumpets blasting to start us on this journey. It starts with one bite, one step, one choice and we can do that today.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Life gets in the way

This past week has been a lesson in everything for me. A lesson that I can't take health for granted. A lesson that my habits are different than a year ago, but still subject to my moods and impulses. A lesson that people are amazing individuals who constantly surprise you. And a lesson that life is never done. You can never wash your hands and say, "Glad that's over, I'll never have to deal with that again" and move on to the next issue.

To health. I am tired. Less tired I was yesterday, but tired nonetheless. My week has been a whirlwind and it's still whirlin' away. Tuesday night while playing softball the SO twisted his knee. Oh, so a sprain. Whatever. He was hurt, I felt bad, but I just focused on the game otherwise I knew I would fall apart and it was probably nothing. When I got a chance to talk with him I asked if we needed to go the the ER. He told me 'not yet' but also mentioned he was in pain. A LOT of pain. After the game he decided to sleep on it and hope that he woke up feeling much better. It didn't happen. After calling, making appointments and leaving work we finally got in to see a doctor Thursday. X-rays revealed a possible crack in the fibula. We (by that I mean he) are scheduled for an MRI today. The MRI will tell us if the bone is really broken (or if it's a shadow, which I really hope it is, though that's not much of a possibility). We'll also find out if any ligaments or tendons are torn. If the bone is broken or things are torn that means surgery. And rehab. And possibly him not being able to work.

I just feel horrible. I wish I would have said, "Let's stay home, we can forfeit." I wish I wouldn't have asked him to join the team, I wish he wouldn't have been up to bat. I wish I wish I wish. But it happened. Now dealing with it causes concern for me, worry and sad thoughts for him and both of us trying to make it through. I'm not saying it's hard on me. The only hard thing is getting his water ever ten minutes (lol, jking, though the man drinks water like no other!) and seeing him in so much pain. Seeing him struggle, seeing him try to deal and not being able to help other than to just be there. I know it's a help, but I want to take the pain away. I want to make it better. I'm a fix-it kinda gal and there's no fixing I can do with this and it drive me slightly nuts.

To habits. Let's just say my caloric intake has decreased, my sleep has decreased, and I haven't worked out since the softball game. I can blame lack of sleep, with being so worried I went on 16 hours of sleep in four days. Not so hot. I just need to be careful of sleep. An extended period of time for me with no sleep and sometimes add up to an extended period of sadness (aka, depression) and so I've been trying. The first day of the week (which for me was Tuesday this week) is always hard because I go from sleeping like a normal person to having to wake up early as a bird. Bad sleep. Not terrible, normally I fall asleep like a baby the next night and am right back on track. Tuesday with the craziness that was The Knee and all the emotions from that I think I fell asleep around midnight, maybe shortly after. Wednesday night I went to bed at 8. Lights off, no TV. I fell asleep at about 11:30. I know for some of you that's not a problem, wake up at six, that some good sleep! I wake up at 4 a.m. Yeah. Not so good. I think we nipped this in the bud last night though. In the bedroom at 8, out at 9 p.m. Woke up at 4:30 a.m. I just want it to stay that way!

Since I'm exercising less I guess the eating less isn't that much of an issue, but still. I think I need to bring up my breakfast again. One banana to tide you over from 4 a.m. to noon isn't exactly wonderful. I think that as I get my sleep back on track and the SO and I settle into more of a routine again it will be fine, but my choices? Oy my choices. Fast food, big steaks, LOTS of bacon. Yeah, more freggies are planned for the near future (after tonight :D) I'm having pizza tonight. Oh yeah.

But I'm keeping on. This is not exactly an easy week, but I'm keeping on. Life keeps happening whether I choose to participate or not and I'm not going to let my life rule me. I can do what I can do. I will make choices, I will do what needs to be done and I will continue on the track that I've learned to love. I will wait on the SO hand and foot if that's what he needs. I will force apples onto my plate, gaze at them longingly and dive in, along with green beans and snap peas and broccoli, oh my. I'm getting a little hungry and I just ate an apple!

I guess my point is that I know it's been a rough week, but I'm not going to let that stop me. There are ladies on my BLC 13 team who are struggling. I have family members who are struggling and I have sparkfriends who are struggling, but we don't quit. Someone doesn't like us because we are suddenly health-conscious? Fine. Family trouble? Keep tracking. Depression, sickness, financial woes, structure changes? Keep on moving. These people in my life are amazing because every time I see them dealing with a new challenge they keep on going. They push through and they succeed. I draw strength from them because they teach me that we can be strong all by ourselves. We can ask for help, we can lean on others, but at some point in time we're doing it on our own two feet. Even when life gets in the way, we can, and will, succeed.