Friday, July 17, 2009

The feeling

I got hit by that feeling last night. The feeling that my food day, my calories all of it was going to go to crap. My day went pretty well. Nothing too out of place. I packed my fruits, got some leftovers (pasta and shrimp, oh yum) and went to work.

At work I remembered that we were going to have a cookout. Brats and burgers. I figured I would go down and help (I'm on the committee that threw it) and have my lunch earlier in the day. I knew that I wouldn't make it to 11 a.m. to eat (I got to work at 4 a.m.) and so it would pan out. Things went according to schedule until about 11 a.m.

I went down to the cookout and helped people with things. Oh the smell was overwhelming. I love the smell of grilling. I heard someone once say that smelling is free and you can't gain any weight from it, so I smelled and smelled and smelled. It hit the spot for a while. Then, three hours after I had eaten my portion-correct meal I smelled the brats again. Oh my, so good. And I had a brat. Just one. No hamburger, no ketchup, just a little bun, a brat and some mustard. But that little bun, brat and mustard packs a few calories. When I put it in the system and found out how many calories I was kind of bummed, but I thought, 'oh well, I'll just eat light tonight, that counts as a (heavy) afternoon snack and I'll still be ok.'

Moved on and went hom.

My SO called. He got a interview for a job and wanted to go out for a few beers after work to celebrate. I wanted to be there for him so I figured I'd just go and drink water. I'm normally the DD anyway so I do that a lot. I went and picked him up (my car was getting worked on) and we went out. As soon as we got there I knew I was going to have a beer. And I did. Just one, but it's 100 calories. Also that night I knew we were going to have mushroom Swiss burgers and fries and little pieces of cheesecake for dessert (one for me and one for the SO). This would have been fine if I had stayed in my calories, but I hadn't. It didn't matter that my bun was whole wheat or that we bake the fries and don't fry them. I was still going to go WAY over my calories. Too bad. I was still going to eat. So here I am, feeling bad, but knowing that I was still going to eat supper.

I could tell myself that I've been good all week but that doesn't cut it. I can tell myself that I've been good all day some days but that doesn't mean that I'll help myself to a 400 calorie ice-cream cone every night. This is the way I'm going to eat, it's my new life. I just can't treat myself to food.

So we went home, made supper. As supper was cooking I had a bite of my cheesecake. Then we ate. The miraculous thing was that halfway through my 4 oz. burger and my fries I was full. I looked down and as good as the burger was, I was done. It was a great burger too, my SO is a great cook, but my body was telling me that I'd had enough. I didn't have more dessert, I didn't even need to have a bite because I'd already had one.

I finally got that "I'm done" feeling that people talk about. I've been feeding my body right and giving it what it wants. Oh it wanted that burger and those fries, it probably would have let me finish that cheesecake if I had pushed it, but it told me I had had enough.

I feel like even though weight is coming off this is even more of a victory. Now I can just stop. I can have some little treat and stop. I can eat and even though the food is delicious, I can stop. I got that feeling, the feeling that I was finished, and I was. Victory was pretty sweet.

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