My stereotype

For years my body has been my prison. I'm not saying I was surrounded by a wall of fat. 50 lbs., yes, that's a lot of weight, but I didn't think of it that way. I just told myself I wasn't athletic. I wasn't fit for whatever activity I thought about and since I wasn't as flat-chested or skinny as other girls I knew (Btw, I've been curvy for a while!) what was the point?

But it never felt right. I felt depressed. down. sad. Whatever you want to call it, I was in a slump and it felt like it had been that way my whole life.

I never knew my life could be how it is now.

I'm running. I love running. Yes, sometimes it hurts. Sometimes I don't want to face the thirty degree weather. Sometimes I don't want to lace my shoes and often I don't to get off my bed. But I feel amazing when it's done. I've joined the volleyball team at my work and while I'll never be olympic quality, just seeing how far I've come in three months is great! I enjoy it, I'm getting better and that's so much fun. This summer I'm going to be on the work softball team, too! I never used to have the confidence to do this. To go out, have fun and possibly make a fool out of myself. I'm pretty insecure when it comes to sports, but I'm so excited. To get out there, to play and to become better. It's amazing.

The other thing that has changed in my life was extraordinary to me, thought it may be small to everyone else. I have a balanced body. Yeah, it sounds weird, but you can just say that I'm a klutz. I'm walked into things, fallen on my face, literally, a tens of times in all parts of the world. I've had numerous concussions (yeah, and I was never in sports) and torn thing and broken some things and just been an all-around klutzy person. Not anymore. I hardly even slip on the ice and when I do, I catch myself. I may drop something, but, compared to how I used to be, I have ninja-like reflexes. I can feel my ankle turn and I am able to stop myself before I get a twisted ankle. I move better, I'm freer and it feels great.

It probably sounds so silly to you! But it's amazing to me. How my body moves, how my body holds itself, it's changed and to me, it feels like it's changed overnight. I've learned that I never really knew myself or knew my body. I had stereotypes about myself that I imposed on myself. I couldn't do this. I shouldn't do that. I needed to be outgoing and talkative because that was all that I was worth. The biggest thing my weightloss has given to me, is me. I've found myself. I've found my voice and I can't be kept quiet anymore. I had put myself in a cage of doubts and nos and I'm free and I can't go back. This song, this song which makes me weep and laugh and makes me want to raise my hand and pump it in the air explains so much of how I feel.

Listen

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can't complete
Listen to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning to find release

Oh, the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own all 'cause you won't
Listen

Listen, I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried to say what's on mind
You should have known

Oh, now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own

You should have listened, there is someone here inside
Someone I thought had died so long ago
Oh, I'm screaming out and my dreams'll be heard
They will not be pushed aside on words
Into your own all 'cause you won't
Listen

Listen, I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried to say what's on mind
You should have known

Oh, now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but I will complete

Oh, now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own, my own