Feeling good

Eating better. Check. Exercising again. Check. Feeling better. Check. It's amazing how when I do the first two, the third is pretty much inevitable. I feel whole.

I don't know how it goes for many people, but for me? I struggle. I want to be better. I need to be better. Life is not fulfilling unless I am the best of the best. Every day I talk myself out of this. Every day I try not to beat myself up for little things I've done "wrong" throughout the day. I've disppointed people. I've forgotten things (goodness knows I do that one a lot) I don't respond as quickly as I should to e-mail or phone calls. I didn't put the dish in the right place and I don't have a perfectly clean house. Oh my, not at all.

We talk about emotional abuse from significant others and from family. It's bad. It's horrid. It can cause relationships to fall apart and crumble and it can scar individuals for life. What if I'm emotionally abusing myself? I'm the one who gets angry at me when I "mess up." I yell, I beat myself up. I've been known to shed many tears and be upset and irrational. The SO may remind me to do something small and insignificant. He's trying to help, but because I'm so mad at myself and I have been beating myself up all day, I burst into tears and run from the room. What's he to think? My parents may call to try to help me out with something, but, again, because of the way I've been treating myself all day, I snap, am short with them and am unwilling to accept their help. These people love me. I know they would do anything they can to make me happy and healthy, but how can they help me when I'm not helping myself?

I know what to do to take care of myself. Eat foods that are better for me (and indulge in a truffle every now and then). Work out, sleep enough. Those things pretty much make a happy and healthy Jessica. Throw in a few hugs from the people I love, a few beers on the weekend with friends, and that's a happy life in a nutshell, for me. It just seems when I work out, when I'm eating better, then I find the energy to be kind to myself. I may still have an off day, but I don't yell "FATTIE" every time I look in the mirror. I allow myself to slide, I allow myself to not be perfect. It makes me happier, the SO happier, and anyone else who cares about me probably sees that I am happier.

Emotional abuse is a problem, I'm not making light of it, I'm just saying, when we're victims of doing it to ourself something needs to change. Just like an abuser needs to get help, we need to figure out why we are damaging our own psyche. What right do we have to continually tear our minds down? How is it less a form of abuse when we're doing it to ourselves? We need to change, to adapt and give our bodies and minds the love we deserve. I will not say we are entitled to many things, but happiness is one of those.