Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Back to the 170's, with hope

Over five years ago I met one of the most wonderful men in my life. The only man that might surpass him is my father who is a gentle, quiet and strong spirit of a man, but it's a super close race. We've known each other probably close to six years and in November we will have been together "officially" for five years.

He makes me laugh, he holds me when I cry and he deals with all the nonsense I bring into this world that I live in. He loved me when I was 160-something and thought I was fat, and he loved me when I reached 205 and when I knew I needed a change.

After three more pounds I will be in the 170's. I have not been there since shortly after the SO and I started dating. It's a milestone for me because of how I felt then. I felt fat, I felt like I would never be smaller like those other girls and I just felt unsatisfied with my health. At the same time I felt sexy. I know now that I didn't even think about my weight except for when I was trying on clothes or trying to find an outfit to wear to work or out for a fun night. I didn't think "oh, I'm fat." I smiled, I flirted, I laughed and I made no apologies about it.

As the pounds came on so did more frowns. I pulled away, didn't reach out to people to make friends as much. Those closest to me will probably say I haven't changed, and around them I haven't because I feel protected. I know they love me no matter what. I love them with all my heart.

The 170s are so important to me because they represent a time when I felt more carefree. Granted, I didn't have the bills or responsibilities I have now, but I was more open with my heart and I was more willing to befriend someone. I was a better friend, not because I weighed less but because there was less weight on my heart.

People at work call me PollyAnna sometimes because I want to see the best in people. My friends say I should be less naive about some things because I end up getting hurt when I place my trust in people who may not deserve it. My family laughs at my antics because they know my heart. I refuse to change. I refuse to give up on people just because I may end up a little hurt. I refuse to stop trusting just because someone hasn't earned my trust. And I refuse to give up hope for a better tomorrow, for a better person, for more achievement and possibilities and opportunities that may exist right around the bend.

I have hope. I literally am faced with hope every day, I have the pleasure of seeing it in my name. My parents blessed me with the middle name of Hope. Maybe they knew how much hope would mean to me. Maybe they knew how much I would need to reach out and grasp onto hope sometimes when my life felt the darkest. Maybe they felt called to give me that blessing. To bless me with hope and to see how it carried me through my life. Whether they knew or whether they just hoped, that name and that thought has meant more to me in my short life than I believe they ever dreamed possible.

On the same note, My parents gave my two sisters the middles names of Joy and Faith. We are drawn together because we are sisters, but we are drawn together because of our names. The middle names have remained even though my sisters' last names no longer resemble mine!

Back to the 170's. To me, these names represent how I feel about the next turn in my journey. I have faith that I will find hope again right around the corner. I want to see the joy I had when I carried a lighter heart. I want to find that part of me back and raise it up and laugh and cry and shout out when I find it.

This journey is about weight loss, sure, but it's about finding parts of me hidden in day-to-day life. Some parts I thought I had lost. Some parts I never even realized were there. I never realized I was this weak. I never realized I was this strong. What I did know was that I wanted change, I needed change and to find myself n the past and in the future was the best way to bring about that change. I can't wait to see what I find at 170!

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