Sunday, August 29, 2010

Sadness and its counterpart

I get sad sometimes. At least that's what I call it. Other people, those with the degrees and all that call it depression. My sadness comes whenever it wants. I can be having a fabulous week with nary a care in the world, but I'm in a haze. I could win the lottery and while I care, trust me, I care, there's a shadow hanging over the world and everything is heavier and darker and not as easy. This is my depression. I can still laugh, I definitely can still cry. I don't lose my feelings or my mind, but life is not what it's supposed to be.

Sometimes I wonder if I should get someone professional to talk to. If I could get a pill or a philosophy to make life what it's supposed to be, what it is for most people, I would say it's worth it if my life comes to a point where my joy isn't taken away by my sadness. For what is life in the end? My life? I want my life to matter. It may not change the world and I may not win a Nobel Prize, but my life will be full of joy and love and wonder. Sadness will not hinder my quest for a full life. We all deserve a life like that. Not one where we struggle emotionally to make it through the day. We deserve to laugh and cry and learn and love. We deserve life.

I'm lucky about the fact that my sadness comes and goes. I can feel it when it's here and then I make efforts to get more sleep, allow myself time to cry and feel and to work out. Seems silly, right? Through my studies on myself I know that lack of sleep will bring about a phase of sadness faster than almost anything else in my life. I also know that when I push my feelings away, I just end up feeling hollow and eating everything. On that same note, working out brings me a peace and happiness that keeps the sadness at bay longer and longer. For quite some time I've felt almost normal.

I talk about this now after a decent talk with some family members last weekend, but also because it's a part of who I am. These feelings were held down so long by chocolate chip cookies and cinnamon buns, and my refusal to acknowledge them played a part in my eating and in how I felt about myself for too long. To keep my depression at bay I let it out in the open. I let my friends help, let my family know, and keep myself accountable.

If the time ever comes where these things stop helping to keep my depression at bay, I know I need to talk to someone. It won't just be a breath in, breath out, keeping going this will pass kind of a week or month. I will not put my life on hold when I can do something to help it along. I have to take a pill and it will correct this chemical imbalance I have? Great. Bring it on. I need to see a therapist or talk to one on the phone? What's the number? Life is hard enough when we're trying to live it with joy. I will not give up that joy, give up what is so important to me to struggle through this on my own, not when there are so many resources out there for me to turn to.

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