I'm being hit over the head with a message. Over and over again, and finally last night when I was reading a blog and the message game through loud and clear AGAIN I finally threw up my hands and said, 'I get it, fine!' The message? I'm brilliant.
No, seriously, that's what it is saying. Let me do some 'splainin' (insert Ricki Ricardo voice here). At some point every day I look at myself and am unhappy with some aspect of me. I look at my hair and it's too frizzy, the bags under my eyes are too dark, that pudge is poking out too much. Whatever, self-destructive talk. Sometimes I think, 'Boy, my eyes look pretty today,' but that's about as nice as it gets.
So I've been reading and thinking and reading more ("Women, Food and God" for my book review last night and my fun loverly blogs) and message after message in all of them is that when we finally love ourselves, when we finally remember what is lovely and good and wonderful about us, and then start really living this thing called life, that is when so many problems melt away. When I love myself I don't think about my thighs. When I love myself I don't worry if my laugh is too loud. When I love myself, I could care less if a stranger likes me or not.
And then this quote, one of my all-time favorite, blows me away every time I see it, came into my head:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
~ Maryanne Williamson
It is okay to take pleasure in the way that I look and in the body that I have. I do not need to feel shame or to feel small because society tells me again and again that I am supposed to find things wrong with myself. And when I pay attention with myself and with my world, when I address what's wrong instead of reaching for that warm monster cookie I made to bring to a potluck at work on Friday, instead of hiding beneath the soda and the candy and whatever else I can find to stave off boredom or sadness or lack of life, I can feel, I can be okay. I can acknowledge that I like me, that I like who I am, loud laugh, big personality, funny words and all.
Don't get me wrong, I have issues. Oh boy do I have issues. I have anxiety and fears and sad times, but I'm ready to love me again the way I used to. Not when I lose ten more pounds, not when I get a raise at work, but right now, in this moment. I am brilliant and when I shine my light shines on others. I am energetic, and my love for things in life will not be hindered by my self-portrait on my stomach.
When I was a baby and new and fresh-smelling I was loved. I was ooohd, and awed and look at those toes! over. I was so worthy of love. Nothing has changed since then. I am worthy of my love. I can be comfortable with who I am and not have to apologize for being sweaty after working out. I don't have to apologize for loving me. I don't have to apologize for living a full and happy life. This may piss some people off, but I'm ready to fill a room with light and have someone smile because of it, even if that someone is me.