Sometimes the thing that gets me down is the very thing that gets me excited throughout my weight-loss mission. That mirror man, that mirror. I see myself passing and my reflection insists I look fit, trim, ready to go and on top of the world. I see myself passing and the blob isn't recognizable. Who's stomach is that? Wow, those bulges are embarrassing.
My perception of myself often dictates my mood. I know that's not a inspirational thought or something most of us want to think about, but when I feel better about myself I feel able to take on anything. Those three miles? H*** yeahs I can run them. That gardening? You just WATCH me do it. I'll rock this out. I can do anything, be anything. But that other image creeps in sometimes and all the power I have going on just deflates. It's all I can do then to keep on going, to remind myself that I look amazing and I've come so far. But I do.
My last week has been that way. Honestly, what set me off wasn't the mirror, it was a photograph. I photo where I looked lumpy and larger than the me that's in my head. What am I doing in it? Participating in a physical activity. I am on my feet, off my butt helping myself battle the bulge that I don't appreciate in the picture. I am active, I am smiling, I am having a great time. The only thing that's "wrong" is my perception of how I look. I'm not looking at my smiling face, except to comment on my double chin. I'm not looking at my moving feet, but the thighs above them that I'm still not happy with. I didn't think about the activity when I saw the picture, I just thought about how it wasn't enough. How I wasn't enough.
This is the mindset that I'm working on even more than I'm working out or watching the food I put in my mouth. These are the thoughts that aim to prevent me from getting on my feet and out that door and these thoughts are not healthy. They are not helping me reach the goals I'm shooting for and they're not honest to boot. I know I am not a sz. 6. I cannot lie to myself that I am, but I know I'm smaller than I was and my path hasn't come to it's conclusion, yet.
Sometimes I shove the thoughts aside. Sometimes I try to sit down and argue with them. But they are not going to keep me from being healthy. Just because I feel fat does not mean I'm going to eat a pan of brownies. Just because I feel fat does not mean I won't go on a run. It's harder, but every day I learn to deal with negative self talk is another day where I can keep going. Every day is another day, a bright and new creation, a blank slate to make it whatever we want it to be. Today, I want it to be a butterfly, gorgeous, beautiful and flying away from a tight tight cocoon. Butterflies rock.