Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Knocking elbows down

I'm a little competitive. I'd like to tell myself that I'm not, but I enjoy winning like everyone else. The thing is, I'm not competitive because I want to win. I'm competitive because I want to be good. I want to be better and do better and sometimes, if I'm not, I feel like a failure.

I want to run faster and longer because it's a personal goal. But I also want to run faster and longer because I could "beat" other times from other people. If I don't reach those times or goals I won't quit. I don't know if I'll ever quit running because I get so much enjoyment out of it. But I do want my feelings of failure when someone else performs better than I do to become feelings of enjoyment for them in their victory.

Just because someone else does well doesn't mean I can't succeed. I try to keep telling myself this, but I think it's one of the areas I need to work on the most. My success doesn't mean someone else has failed, just like my failure doesn't ensure the success of others.

Unfortunately this doesn't just pertain to running. I know as long as I can show improvement and have room to grow that I will continue to try at  activities such as baking and bowling. I will continue to lose weight even though I'm not losing as fast as someone else, as frustrating as that may be. But this competitive "bug" is annoying me.

I want to look at something a friend has done and feel pure excitement for her accomplishments. Sometimes it's like pulling teeth because I want to be at that level so badly. I want to beat them and stay ahead of the game. I want to play chess with the SO and be excited for him that he's played a game so well, rather than disappointed in myself because I feel I played poorly.

They say practice makes perfect, so maybe if I perfect the art of losing (not on purpose) I'll become more relaxed about it. I don't need to be perfect, I just need to be me.

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